Once Upon A Mattress Missing Scene
by GreatMountainTengu
Summary: Remember the scene where the Minstrel and the Jester try to get information about the Princess Test from the Wizard? The scene ended with the Wizard accepting the Minstrel's invitation to go drinking, but just how did the Minstrel manage to get the secret out of him? OUaM fanmade scene and song.


**A/N: This idea's been floating about in my head for a while now, ever since I got done playing the Queen in "Once Upon A Mattress." I kept thinking, "Why doesn't the Wizard get a song? He's got enough potential as a character to have one." So, up came this half-baked little melody (sung to the tune of a one-use soundtrack from the eleventh chapter of a relatively obscure visual novel called "Higanbana no Saku Yoru Ni") with a scene that does not exist in the script attached to it.**

**Words in unaltered font indicate dialogue. Italic words in parentheses indicate stage directions. Italic words not in parentheses indicate sung lyrics.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the rights to anything from the Rodgers &amp; Hammerstein Library, nor do I own the rights to any music composed for anything done by Ryukishi07. Only the lyrics and dialogue are mine. I do not profit from writing lyrics or fanfiction in any way, shape, or form.**

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**ACT 2, SCENE 5.5**

_(The wine cellar. Several bottles lie on the floor, empty. WIZARD and MINSTREL are still drinking, with the MINSTREL none the worse off and the WIZARD quite smashed.)_

**MINSTREL**: What do you say, Cardamon? Shall we go around again?

**WIZARD**:_(slurred speech)_ Oh, no, no...I really mustn't..._(changes his mind)_ Hang it all, I'm half lit already. _(He takes a large gulp from an open bottle.) _Here's to another successful test conceived by Cardamon the Greatest!

**MINSTREL**: Hear, hear! _(He drinks as well.)_ Well, this really has been quite a pleasant evening.

**WIZARD**: Indeed.

**MINSTREL**: And it's been great talking with you.

**WIZARD**: Of course.

**MINSTREL**: May I ask one more question?

**WIZARD**: You may.

**MINSTREL**: What's a legend like you doing in a small kingdom like this, anyway?

**WIZARD**: Ohh, must you be so cruel as to remind me of my horrible past?

**MINSTREL**: Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to step on personal territory...

**WIZARD**:_(cutting him off)_ No, no, no, you might as well hear it. _(standing dramatically)_ My story will melt your heart.

**Music 19.5: THE WIZARD'S DRUNKEN SONG**

**WIZARD**: _Listen to me, hear the song_

_Of the sage named Cardamon_

_Hijacked by a bossy dame_

_Glastonbury's old shame!_

**MINSTREL**: But I thought they loved you in Glastonbury! Why did you leave?

**WIZARD**: It was all a big mistake. There was an entertainment show at the castle in which I was to perform. And, well...my magic got a bit out of hand.

**MINSTREL**: What do you mean?

**WIZARD**: _Banished from the castle keep_

_For I turned them into sheep!_

_Clearly, I'm the one to blame_

_So, to Camelot I came!_

**MINSTREL**: Oh, that sounds awful!

**WIZARD**: Yes, yes, but it couldn't be helped, could it?

_Ev'rything can be replaced_

_Nothing's ever going to change_

_Anyone can change his name_

_Nobody can win this game_

_Ev'ry time it's the same!_

**MINSTREL**: So you've been here, testing princesses for the Queen ever since?

**WIZARD**: Yes. Twelve magnificent feats! But this one, this one shall be the best one yet!

**MINSTREL**: You said it was a sensitivity test, right?

**WIZARD**: Genius, isn't it?

**MINSTREL**: Oh, I'm sure it is.

**WIZARD**: One tiny little pea under twenty thick, downy mattresses! "Any true princess would feel it," the old bat said! And if that pea doesn't keep the girl up at all hours, it's "Fare-Ye-Well" to Princess What's-Her-Face!

**MINSTREL**:_(ecstatic because he now knows what the test is, jumps up)_ Brilliant! Cardamon the Great!

**WIZARD**: Cardamon the Greatest!

_Will there be another man_

_Who can do the things I can?_

_No one else shall make his claim_

_To my ruined name!_

**-END SCENE-**

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**A/N: Thank you for reading! Review and I will love you forever!**


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